Thursday 23rd July 2009 - Embarrassed? Not really!

Why oh why, if you have some hideous vaginal wasting disorder which you were too horrified to approach your G.P. with, would you ever decide to get it checked out for the first time ever on Channel 4? These people who have overactive arse glands or hairy eyeballs continue to go on Embarrasing Bodies so that everyone can have a detailed look at their drooping odds and sods... it's just terrible. I love it. The doctor who presents it, Dr. Christian, is an odd looking character isn't he?! My other half glanced at the telly when it was on (I think I shouted 'EEEEW, LOOK AT HER MUFF') and gently questioned, 'is he on this programme because he's embarrassed about his face?' Seemed like a fair question to me. Argue it... go on!

I just found out that there were seven sheep on Noah's ark. Stephen Fry said it, so it must be true, but it does sound a bit like bollocks at the same time! Why would they have seven? And why would I write the full word seven instead of the number 7? Seems like a great waste of time for us all doesn't it? But then to that end, surely this whole blog is!

Thanks to those of you (or 'both' of you) who have sent me details on how to make this blog a) better and b)more productive! I haven't completely disregarded your messages, but it takes me a while to understand things when I first read them. But I'll get round to looking at them properly and no doubt I'll put the information to great use. Speaking of not understanding things the first time you read them, I played the sausage and beans game today. It's fun. Basically, you find any passage of text and every word that begins with 's' you say as sausage (or if it's plural sausages) and the same with beans for 'b' words. So:

This groundbreaking series is back and aiming to dispel more of the myths
surrounding medical conditions deemed to be ‘embarrassing’, demonstrating
that
there’s no need to feel ashamed because actually, we’re all the same!

Becomes:

This groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel more of the myths
sausage medical condition deemed to beans 'embarrasing', demonstrating that
there's no need to feel ashamed beans actually, we're all the sausage!

So you see! Everytime you make a mistake, you have to down a pint of acid. Last one to die wins. The last bit isn't true, but the rest is. Go and play it. When you get more confident, you can start adding other breakfast items, until the sentence becomes thus:

Toast groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel mushroom of toast
mushrooms sausage mushroom condition deemed toast beans 'eggs', demonstrating
toast toast no need toast fried-bread ashamed beans actually, we're all toast
sausage!

But that's just fucking stupid! Don't suggest that, you'll lose friends. Like I did. Here's a list of things I found out today;

1. Blowing raspberries does not help you cool down when hot



2. You can eat rosehip



3. Someone (remaining nameless) was late for work yesterday



4. I'm not as fit as I was in May



5. Pushing your buttocks against the wall of a sunbed does not stop you getting smiley lines under your bum.



6. Steven Gerrard di hit someone after all, but only once in self defence.

And that's it. I knew everything else! I get paid tomorrow, which I think we can all agree is basically a good thing. That means I can buy some nice things. Like beer and fags. Yummy! Have you ever played beer zoo? When the beer makes it's way down the side of the glass it leaves a trail and then you try and make animals out of froth that's left or the gaps in the froth. Bit like looking at the clouds and making shapes. In the example below, you might be able to spot Mickey Mouses head... just above to the right of the central stem!

So, the next time you'r in a pub having a pint, just have a sneaky peek into your glass. If you find any good beer zoo animals, take a picture of it and send it to me at

Martcoops@hotmail.com

I'll post it here and anyone who gets a really good one will win an amazing prize.

Before I go, I will ask one favour of you. Please would you post a link to my blog to your friends on facebook or MSN or whatever. The more readers we can get on the blog, the better it will be, because we can do competitions like this one! For fun! It doesn't take long to just message everyone, or put it on your status, or Tweet it! And I'll love you a little further! God bless you.

Peace and love everyone!

Martin xxx