Thursday 30th July 2009 - Casserole

I MADE A SAUSAGE CASSEROLE TODAY AND IT WAS FUCKING GREAT! BYE! XXX

Wednesday 29th July 2009 - Happy Birthday mother!

So, it was actually Mum's birthday today so we went over to say happy burfday and give her her gift. I got her the best of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. She's a bit of a rocker on the sly is old mother Cooper. She was definitely a Stones fan rather than a Beatles fan. (Which incidentally I'm not. I'm Beatles all the way). We had a few glasses of vino and smoked a few of the finest woodbines, then went north to bed.

I'm keeping it short and sweet today, but very quickly I want to tell you about what happened overnight last night. I have a bit of a habit of talking in my sleep but not in a grumbly moany type way. It's very clear what I'm talking about, even if it's non-sensical, and the other weird thing is I always know what I've been talking about the next morning. I get kind of embarrassed because what I've said doesn't make any sense, and so I try and switch it into something else slightly more relevant! Last night, the other half got up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. I have to sleep with something between my legs (easy tiger) and so I always have a pillow down there. I decided to fluff my pillow and pulled it from between my knees, but I totally misjudged the swing and smashed a glass of juice I had on the bedside table to smithereens. It shit me right up! SMAAAAAAAASH! It seemed to say.

A few hours later (after I'd cleaned it all up) I started to yap on. I was saying about a time I got my elbow caught in the car door and it smashed and glass went everywhere. I was instantly questioned as to what the fuck I was talking about, so I repeated myself. 'I'm just thinking about the time I got my elbow caught in the car door'! WTF!?

I started to change my story to it being about the glass smashing, but I knew I was talking shit. The next day I remembered it all very clearly. But I'm asleep when I'm doing it! It's very odd. So if ever you want a really good, deep conversation with a sleeping man, just pop over around 2am.

Until then,
peace to you.

M xxxx

Tuesday 28th July 2009 - The day Grace's wipers were on too fast

Well, what a day! Grace stayed over last night because she was taking me to Bolton this morning for my theory test, so we got up at 7 and got ourselves ready to go as my test was at 9 and I wanted to be there in good time. Well, we managed to lose the town centre of Bolton, and with only ten minutes left to spare I dashed out of the car at traffic lights and sprinted towards the area I thought the test centre would be. There was no way I was going to be late for this. I have had too much bad luck recently to be denied this chance, so I sprinted like no-one alive into the abyss. With literally seconds to spare I crashed into the test centre and slammed my documents on the counter, man bag in tow, panting like a shagging wolf.

Well, I did the test and got 49 out of 50 (I'm furious) and passed happily. To celebrate we decided to go for McDonalds breakfast which is better than I remember. Why is everything that is bad for you so delicious... McDonalds, biscuit and raisin Yorkies, Radon... everything. Over breakfast, we decided that the next most sensible thing to do was to go bowling, and so we did. I won at that, which I was rather proud of, mostly due to the fact that I've been walking round all day like I shat myself! A horrible trainer at the gym called Will decided he was going to give me a taste of hell by forcing me to do lots of silly circuit training type things. Dick. He really hurt me. So trying to bowl was but a challenge.

The next task was slightly less involving, as we decided to Bingo ourselves. I went back to my old workplace, Gala Bingo in Blackburn. It was like stepping into a time warp. Everything was pretty much the same as it was 9 years ago! And, much like then, I didn't win anything! Never mind. It was fun, in a 'wish I were dead' kind of way. I had to go to the gym afterwards, which did NOT tickle my fancies as I couldn't move by this point, but decided to give it a crack anyway. I thought a nice relaxing workout would do me good... until Will returned. He made me do all sorts of things I didn't want to, obviously getting some sort of kick out of watching me suffer. So now I can't move again. Bad times.

By the way, the title of the blog relates to us sat in traffic witha light drizzle falling. Grace had her wipers on, but at a ridiculous pace which we both failed to nitice for about ten minutes. Maybe I shouldn;t have passed my theory after all! Theoretically!

Peace out kids,
Mart. xxx

Monday 27th July 2009 - Forgot to revise!

I have my theory test tomorrow. Again. I enjoyed passing it so much the first time around, I've decided I'm going to do it again! What a cock! And by that a mean the cock right there

I completely forgot to revise properly for it, so it's safe to say that I'm actually crudding myself about it. I mean, can you actually imagine if I failed my theory driving test! I'd be the laughing stock of the whole universe! I'd actually have to kill myself. To amuse you (as it did me), here's two sample theory test questions and one I made up! See if you can guess which is the false one!

Question 1:
You are driving down a main road and a long vehicle is pulling out a side road on the left ahead of you. What should you do?

• A) Slow down and give way
• B) Speed up and try to squeeze through the gap
• C) Sound your horn and flash your hazards
• D) Report the driver to the police

Question 2:
You are driving at night when the lights from the vehicle behind begin to dazzle you. What should you do?

• A) Set your mirror to anti-dazzle
• B) Try and speed away
• C) Flash your lights repeatedly
• D) Put your hands over your eyes

Question 3:
You are naked at night with a blow up doll in the passanger seat. You are wearing a captains hat and you have a paddle. The police flash you to pull over. Do you;

• A) Speed away, showing your exit hole through your wing-mirror
• B) Sell the doll and all drugs in the car to the officer
  
• C) Tell him you're late for a potato
• D) Pull over and pretend to be taking the doll to the hospital

OK, it's fairly easy to work out which one isn't true, because I'm rather silly and I stole it from an Ellen DeGeneres DVD I have, but still... some of the questions are pretty fucking stupid. And that's why I cannot fail! And that's why I'm going to revise and I'm leaving you with a clip of the aforementioned Ellen! I recommend this to any stand-up fans. She's very good! Like a female lesbian Eddie Izzard! Work that out if you can. BYES!

M xxx

(btw - if you don't know who Ellen is, she did the voice of Dory in Nemo... as well as being a huge Hollywood name!)

Sunday 26th July 2009 - It happened in Burnley

I didn't even tell you why yesterdays blog was called Deckchair Disaster. Basically, when I was drunk at the party I was sat talking to my mum when the deckchair I was sat on suddenly ripped and I fell straight through it! Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat!



I've got a hangover now, and can't be arsed telling you about my day (I've not really done anything) so instead, here's the first part of my new novel I'm writing. It's really, really good!

So, PRESENTING;





It happened in Burnley




I was slowly making my way down the lane that leads to the crossroads when it happened. A sudden feeling of fear and dread ran up and down my spinal column. I just didn't expect to see him there. After all it had been three years since my ex boss Jonathan 'Page-a-Day' Epson was imprisonned for illegal smuggling of oysters from Madagascar. (Not the film you understand).
"Hello Polly", he said in a voice so low his underpants tightened. "Nice to see you", he murmered.
In a shakey breakey voice I replied, "to see you nice". He opened his lips and sharply inhaled, taking in a small piece of grit that was passing.
"It's been too long!", he said evily. I could see that in his right hand he had a key for what I assumed was a tractor. In the other hand he had the latest Take-a-Break issue. I was terrified by the prospect of what was going to happen next. To say this man was unstable was an understatement. To let him loose on a tractor was crazy. To let his loose on a crossword was just plain stupidity. The two together could result in many, many people either dying or falling over lots.
"I see you've got another job then?" he enquired, pointing to the medical syringe I had draped around my neck on a thong.
"I couldn't be a welder forever Jon." I replied, quivvering like a cold walrus. "I needed to get out and see the world... you understand that don't you?"
He placed his Take-a-Break gently down on the steps of the Bridget Bardot Appreciation Hall and put his dirty hand in his hairy pocket. I shook. Slowly he pulled out what appeared to be a letter from the Sea Lion War Recreation Society. He handed it to me.
"I want you to go here tonight", he suggested suggestively.
"I can't go there. You know I was barred from entering the house of recreational societies after the Boston Bankers fiasco. It's too risky".
He just looked straight through me at the shoes in the window behind me. I could see his eyes moistening at the sight of those clogs, as if to say, 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmoleskin.'
"You'll be there. You know you will. Because if you don't, everyone will find out your terrible, horrible, edible secret."
My lips trembled, as did my gobblers. I've managed to keep it secret for twenty years and I'll be damned if anyone was going to blow it for me now. You see, when I was younger I used to have an obsession with boats and ships. Anything floaty. Barges, yatchs, fjords, canoes, you name it, I loved it. One day, when I was about 13, I decided to climb on the local tramp and take a ride to the harbour. The tramp didn't mind. He was glad of the exercise and the bottle of cherry 20-20 he received made him equally elated. When I arrived I immediately ran up to the first floaty thing I saw. It was a houseboat.
I could see flashes of blue and orange lights coming from inside the window accompanied by a loud buzzing noise that went BUZZZZZZZZ. I knew a buzz when I heard it and that was definately a buzz. I shimmied down the pier a bit further and put my arms into the water to feel for the tie rope so that I could hoist myself aboard. I felt what I thought was a Lambseye Knot, so called because when the knot is completed it looks like the iris of a lamb. (You have to gaze ridiculously close). As it turned out, I was horribly mistaken. A lambseye knot it was not.
I yanked my long, spindley arm out of the water and found an extremely rare, endangered Anne Boleyn Octopus attached to my fingers. Panicking, i picked up a nearby whisk and whisked it right onto the deck where it promptly stopped living and died. I screamed with horror. The flashy window opened and a face appeared. It was, as I later discovered, Jonathan who was welding handles to tea cups.
"You've killed it", he shouted. He was crazy and just kept shouting "YOU'VE KILLED IT!".
I crumbled to the ground like a cheap sausage roll, crying. Killing an Anne Boleyn Octopus is punishable by up to 13 years imprisonment, or 50 years dry-stone walling in Bolton. I couldn't imagine losing my freedom at such an early age. The only witness was Jonathan. He came off his boat, waving his welder and telling me to stay exactly where I was.
"What's your name?" he spat.
"Polly... Polly Limply".
"Well Polly. You'd better come with me............

TO BE CONTINUED - IF I CAN BE BOTHERED!


Sleep tight! Coops. xxx

Saturday 25th July 2009 - Deckchair disaster

Good old Saturdays. Usually my only day off, but this week I was working the breakfast show, so on I went and broadcast I did, in a very unprofessional manner. Actually, it wasn't me at all, it ws Gina Millson, our head of news. She's very childish you know. She was laughing at a story about Deirdre from Corrie being trapped near a bushfire. Anyway, I had a marvellous bacon butty with tomato ketchup. So all was well! I like bacon butties. There's something so rich and deserving about them that fill you with a thousand different feelings. The smell, the texture, the taste... all of it. Knowing that somewhere an animal was born and raised, fed and kept for the sole purpose of sacrificing their life to give a few people that moment of pure decadence. The soft, salty meat encased in fresh white bread... Good God it's exciting me just writing about it. Clever piggies. I suppose swine flu is their revenge for bacon butties!

It was mother's birthday party today. She was stressing to the point that her partner Bob had put crocodile clips onto her earrings and he was running the ceiling fans off of her. My brother was already there, spinning some toooons on the decks, and Michelle (his partner) was chilling out in the garden. She's recently discovered she is pregnant and is thrilled to pieces about it. We all our. However, certain things come with pregnancy that aren't as welcome. For example, you're expected to give up drinking and smoking and drugs and a whole bunch of other things. Like being upwardly mobile for example. Some women crave pregnancy and Michelle was one of those. I just wonder when she'll have her first, somewhat inevitable, 'Get this thing out of me' moment. Good luck to them both though!

My father turned up to the party already pissed, which is typical for him really, and my grandparents were also sufficiently bollocksed too. Family parties are always a bit dodgy like that because alcahol removes any sense of inhabitions. I try and stay on the more responsible side of drunk because I know no-one else will and, should anything happen, the chances are you'll need someone who's thinking relativly clearly to act. Last night, however, I just got pissed! Ha! I drank the following;

• A bottle of vodka




• 4 pints of real ale




• 3 glasses of sangria




• half a bottle of white wine

And I smoked a lot too. Little wonder I was pissed really! Anyway, I had a good time. It's a shame I didn't get the chance to sample any of the food that was on offer as it all got troughed by everyone the minute the lid was off the pan, but still... I liked drinking in the knowledge that I didn't have any reason to get up the next day. Oh yeah, Mum read the bit about her being a milf and once it was explained to her what a milf is, she was horrified!

Peace and love,

Coops. xxx

Friday 24th July 2009 - 4 poofs and a piano

I'm Basically 2/5's of that group. I'm just one big poof and a piano! My other half hates them, which is kind of ironic. If you've never seen Friday Night with Jonathan Ross then you won't have a Motley Crew what I'm talking about. And likewise, if you've never dabbled with cockney rhyming slang, you won't know that by Motley Crew I actually mean Scooby Doo.

Some odd things have happened to me today, some of which have involved insects. The first is the very fact that I watched a common house fly (I know it was a house fly because it wasn't on a piece of fruit or a horse) washing itself. Who'd have thought it? It wasn't in a small shower (baby shower!?) or anything. It wasn't using soap or shower gel, just some sort of secretion from what looked like it's little fly anus, but still it was fascinating. It's back legs cleaned it's wings, then it's front legs washed it's face and it's middle legs washed both front and back legs. Brilliant. Makes me wish I had more legs than I have. And I have plenty of legs. At least two.

The other thing that happened, whilst I was still on my fly washing high, occurred as I was walking to my pick-up point after work. I was practically skipping down the road with my heart filled with weekend goodness when suddenly, as if God himself had sent it, an actual wasp made it's way into my actual eyeball. Not my lid, not my eye trough (trough!?) but my actual ball. And I know it was definitely a wasp because I was looking at it very closely. He (I was close enough to tell it was a he) looked me deep into my eye as I swung my fat head, almost in slow motion, to dislodge this 6-legged stinging bitch from my opticla tool. It felt like it went on forever, my sunglasses thrown from the top off my head where they were purched in a fashionable way and my man bag lashing around to the point where all the lids slipped off my 15-piece stationary set (birthday present from Grace... thanks) and I felt foolish. Like a foolish fool. The silver lining was that I wasn't stung. Because then I would have looked like a squid... not a good weekend look.

I have a story to tell. It involves my dog. My dog, I should explain, isn't strictly real. It's more of a soft, stuffed, inanimate dog that lives on my bed. I have many stuffed soft creatures which you may think is quite strage for a 27 year old man, but then I'm a slightly strange 27 year old man so that should pretty much cancel it out. To explain why I suppose, as an artist (!), I like character and shape, personality through feature and so on. People like cartoons and greetings cards with cartoons on them and so on. I like fluffy animals that are fun to look at. I have cows, cats, monkeys, crocodiles, a slug, a sloth, a sabre toothed tiger, a gollywog, some lions and a couple of hugs to name but a few. But the dog that lives on my bed gets special treatment because he was a Valentine's gift and he's mega cute. His name is AR!

AR has lived on my bed for about two and a half years and has slept and woken up on the bed for that length of time. He's always there when you need him! But a few days ago he'd disappeared. I obviously wondered where he'd gone but didn't stress too much. Then, a day or so later, he reappeared on my pillow. After further questioning from my partner, it turns out that he'd gone with the bed sheets, into the washing machine, then the dryer and back onto the bed, clean as a whistle, without being noticed! Clever dog! He looked very pleased with himself! And rightly so.

(That's AR on my knee!)

Well, I'd better go. Just gotta say happy 3rd birthday to Riley Roo, my little friend, and mention something amusing he said tonight when we went to give him his present (a hillarious cat glove puppet that meows when you open his mouth). As his mum Meg picked him up to try and get him to sing with her, he casually announed, "Erm, I can't see the cake!"

Fantastic.

Mother's party time tomorrow. All will be well no doubt. Got the Saturday morning breakfast show to get through first! Bit of theory driving test revision, then bed!

Peace and love for the weekend,

M xxx

Thursday 23rd July 2009 - Embarrassed? Not really!

Why oh why, if you have some hideous vaginal wasting disorder which you were too horrified to approach your G.P. with, would you ever decide to get it checked out for the first time ever on Channel 4? These people who have overactive arse glands or hairy eyeballs continue to go on Embarrasing Bodies so that everyone can have a detailed look at their drooping odds and sods... it's just terrible. I love it. The doctor who presents it, Dr. Christian, is an odd looking character isn't he?! My other half glanced at the telly when it was on (I think I shouted 'EEEEW, LOOK AT HER MUFF') and gently questioned, 'is he on this programme because he's embarrassed about his face?' Seemed like a fair question to me. Argue it... go on!

I just found out that there were seven sheep on Noah's ark. Stephen Fry said it, so it must be true, but it does sound a bit like bollocks at the same time! Why would they have seven? And why would I write the full word seven instead of the number 7? Seems like a great waste of time for us all doesn't it? But then to that end, surely this whole blog is!

Thanks to those of you (or 'both' of you) who have sent me details on how to make this blog a) better and b)more productive! I haven't completely disregarded your messages, but it takes me a while to understand things when I first read them. But I'll get round to looking at them properly and no doubt I'll put the information to great use. Speaking of not understanding things the first time you read them, I played the sausage and beans game today. It's fun. Basically, you find any passage of text and every word that begins with 's' you say as sausage (or if it's plural sausages) and the same with beans for 'b' words. So:

This groundbreaking series is back and aiming to dispel more of the myths
surrounding medical conditions deemed to be ‘embarrassing’, demonstrating
that
there’s no need to feel ashamed because actually, we’re all the same!

Becomes:

This groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel more of the myths
sausage medical condition deemed to beans 'embarrasing', demonstrating that
there's no need to feel ashamed beans actually, we're all the sausage!

So you see! Everytime you make a mistake, you have to down a pint of acid. Last one to die wins. The last bit isn't true, but the rest is. Go and play it. When you get more confident, you can start adding other breakfast items, until the sentence becomes thus:

Toast groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel mushroom of toast
mushrooms sausage mushroom condition deemed toast beans 'eggs', demonstrating
toast toast no need toast fried-bread ashamed beans actually, we're all toast
sausage!

But that's just fucking stupid! Don't suggest that, you'll lose friends. Like I did. Here's a list of things I found out today;

1. Blowing raspberries does not help you cool down when hot



2. You can eat rosehip



3. Someone (remaining nameless) was late for work yesterday



4. I'm not as fit as I was in May



5. Pushing your buttocks against the wall of a sunbed does not stop you getting smiley lines under your bum.



6. Steven Gerrard di hit someone after all, but only once in self defence.

And that's it. I knew everything else! I get paid tomorrow, which I think we can all agree is basically a good thing. That means I can buy some nice things. Like beer and fags. Yummy! Have you ever played beer zoo? When the beer makes it's way down the side of the glass it leaves a trail and then you try and make animals out of froth that's left or the gaps in the froth. Bit like looking at the clouds and making shapes. In the example below, you might be able to spot Mickey Mouses head... just above to the right of the central stem!

So, the next time you'r in a pub having a pint, just have a sneaky peek into your glass. If you find any good beer zoo animals, take a picture of it and send it to me at

Martcoops@hotmail.com

I'll post it here and anyone who gets a really good one will win an amazing prize.

Before I go, I will ask one favour of you. Please would you post a link to my blog to your friends on facebook or MSN or whatever. The more readers we can get on the blog, the better it will be, because we can do competitions like this one! For fun! It doesn't take long to just message everyone, or put it on your status, or Tweet it! And I'll love you a little further! God bless you.

Peace and love everyone!

Martin xxx

Wednesday 22nd July 2009 - My family are all skint

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Tuesday 21st July 2009 - In theory it'll be fine

So, last night's footie score, if you didn't already know, was 7 - 1 to them! Not us! But it doesn't matter, because they are top of the first league and we're bottom of the second so it could have been much, MUCH, worse. You should have heard some of the language they were using too. Ooooh, it'd make a sailor blush! You f***ing this, you're all a bunch of c***s, s**k my dick. That sort of thing! Anyway, if you want to read the review, and I know you do, it's here!

http://thebee.co.uk/page.php?119

I had that meeting today! The one I told you about last week... remember?! Basically it was for an employment agency who are gonna help me find a way out of the concentration camp I work in at the moment! I had to do some tests and stuff. I've done more exams today than I've ever done in my whole entire life, since I was 18! I had to do some data inputting and I got 100% on my accuracy. Stick that in your peep and smike it!


Do you like what I did there. I used a picture of Einstein to relate the idea of cleverness and his pipe because I mentioned pipes. Or peeps! Either way it was pretty geniusy. And that is a word! I just made it up!


I'm not going to go on and on tonight, I'd prefer you to just read the above link about the football. While you're on the website, check out some of the offers they have on at the moment. Both the Days Out Club and the Grub Club are fab offers. The only thing better than Frankie n Bennies is half price Frankie n Bennies!


Please though, read the match review. It's much better than anything you're going to find here!


One love brothers and sisters,

Martino. xxx

Monday 20th July 2009 - Yes Herr Flick

Howdy! I’m having a blonde day today. Everything I try to do I seem to be doing wrong! I just tried to send an email to my esteemed colleague Andy Cook and three times I sent it to Andy. ccok and couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. What a c-cock!

So, in the words of the Mama’s and Papa’s, ‘Monday Monday‘. They also said ‘so good to me’ and that’s a bit of a lie! Bastards. Actually, I love the Mama’s and Papa’s. I’ve got their ‘best of’ album in my car, along with Diana Ross and the Supreme’s, Dusty Springfield and the James Bond themes, much to the annoyance of my fellow passengers. I’m really into my 60’s stuff at the moment. I think I was born out of my era. But then I think a lot of people feel that way because fashion goes around in concentric circles. All these weird kids are going around now wearing day glow 80’s trash that was hideous the first time around and they think it’s new and chic. Well, when I was your age I was dressing as Herr Flick of the Gestapo and I thought that was new and chic, but it turned out it wasn’t!


Aaaaanyway, tonight was football night and as usual I was called upon to be the match reporter! I really enjoy it actually. I don't think I will as much in the winter, but it's great to see the lads getting down there on a Monday night and having something to look forward to. It has breathed new life into the station too and it's brought the team together under the same umbrella. We're all losers now, not just some of us! I was already there, waiting for the others. I knew they'd come eventually!!

I think I'm starting to come down with swine flu! I've got a bad throat, feel a bit lethargic and a large dog came and blew my house down last night. It took me ages to collect all those sticks as well. I shall be writing a very stern letter of concern to my local MP about this. I was quite excited when I found out that Carole Malone thought she might have it, but it turned out to be a false alarm. If anyone was going to pick something up primarily carried by scabby pigs it was going to be her! Awful woman. Her column in the News of the World each Sunday is the biggest pile of nonsensical garbage I've ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with. And that other crettin who writes for them too. Dean Piper? Or is he Sunday Mirror. (Sam Brydges would know... finger on the pulse). His column gives a suggestion for what's not hot anymore. Last week it was Harry Hill! He had the cheek to slag off one of our nations finest comedians. Tosser.


Anyway, my job is not to slag people off who aren't hear to defend themselves (God I hate them sooooo much) it is to keep you amused with my daily going ons and findings. I'm going to update you on the footie score tomorrow as I don't want to spoil the surprise for you just yet! I'll also link you to the match review.




BE THE FIRST TO FIND OUT THE SCORE BY LISTENING TO WAKE UP WITH COOK TOMORROW MORNING FROM 6. http://www.thebee.co.uk/ or 107 fm if your in Blackburn, Darwen, Hyndburn or the Ribble Valley. Plug over. Thank you!


And that's about all I gotta tell you for today. I want you to watch this video though, because it just makes me wet. (The chorus is particularly funny!) I wish we could get this show over here because the actors in it are so good at impersonating celebs and the writing's great too. Check it out!



I'll catch up with ya tomorrow! Good night folks! Peace out. M xxx

Sunday 19th July 2009 - Spare room without any spare room

I did something this morning that I very rarely do. I was awoken by my alarm at 7am and led back to consider getting up, and how I was going to go about it (sometimes I just roll over and over until I'm in the bath, sometimes I shimmy down the covers until I land in a heap on the floor and sometimes I just slam my face on the bedside counter until I'm completely awake). I spent so much time thinking about how to get up, I was asleep again. I was having a dream about a gang of lads mugging old women (obviously) when someone strolled into my dream and said 'excuse Mr Cooper. You do know you're asleep don't you?'. My eyes opened so quickly the lightshade started swinging.

Anyway, I got up and still made it out of the house on time. Sam Brydges, my faithful newshound, came and picked me up and took me to work for another 4 hours of award-deserving radio! A problem from today's News of the World problem page;

"I've been with my boyfriend now for a few months, and recently he asked me to wear a pair of high heeled shoes and kick him as hard as I could in the testicles"

Where's the problem there? I know plenty of women who would be delighted to be given such an opportunity! The next bit made me laugh more though;

"I was hoping that one day we would have children. Could this practice effect our ability to conceive naturally?"


Erm... yeah!

How annoying is the guy in the Crunchie Nut Clusters advert? The one who says "I'm sorry sir, this one is broken... can you hear that?". Fuck off. I'm sorry, if you know him or admire him from afar, or think I'm shallow for forming an opinion of someone who I've never met in person, but underneath your blinkered view of planet earth, you know I'm right. He's annoying just to look at!



I cleared out the spare room tonight. It's the smallest room in the house, including the downstairs toilet and the airing cupboard, so why did it take me the best part of 5 hours to make it look like a spare room!? Then I had to clamber into the loft to 'store' things, amongst the bat piss and bird eating spiders. So now I have insulation splinters all over me. I've been sticking tape to me and ripping it off to try and dislodge the splinters, but it still feels like a thousand dwarf hedgehogs are doing the hokey-cokey up and down my arms.



Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I thinking I'm starting to develope swine flu, so I'd better try and sleep it off. Tataa for now! Be good. M xxx

Saturday 18th July 2009 - Well and Truely Warmed

So, yesterday (as you probably guessed) I didn't really have all the time in the world to update the blog... or clog as I may start calling it. My predictive text calls it that. I'm sure the reasoning for predictive text is to speed up the texting process, so why then does it have the exact opposite effect on me and slows me down!? And why do I continue to use it.

My mum stl uses old fshnd txt msging n wen she txts me this is all i get. I cnnt
read it 1/2 the time.

Anyway. The reason I didn't get time to update is thus; After work I went straight home and ate fish, chips and, rather bizarrely in reterospect, ribs. Then it was straight into the car and off to Darwen (my home town!). We were swapping some bottles of red (yuck) for bottles of white (yummy) with mother who was in the pub with brother Andrew (sounds like he's a monk... he's not, he's a tosser) who we also had to visit to borrow a Guitar Hero controller for the Wii. So, we went to the pub, picked up mother, took her home and swapped wines. Then took mother back to the pub, picked up Andrew who we took home and got the Wii remote. Then went for petrol but the whole of planet earth was waiting for petrol, so in our infinite wisdom we decided to drive to the other side of town to the other station. This one was closed for re-fuelling so we went to the third one. As we approached we saw the Shell lorry just pulling into the forecourt. "OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T", we screamed and managed to squeeze in there before he pumped up the gas!

After the fuel saga, it was time to go to our Housewarming party. Stu and Hannah have new digs and wanted to toast it's health, and who am I to decline!? So, we picked up Jonathan and Jo on the way and necked a few bevvies. Jonathan seemed to have a good time as he got ridiculously drunk and fell over in the living room twice, dancing to Michael Jackson! Silly boy!

I'll admit, I was quite drunk myself, and completely undelighted when my alarm went off at 9am after about 4 hours sleep, because I had to go to work! Boo! I'm helping a friend with some book-keeping (don't wait up!) and I said I'd be there at ten. Great idea. Rough? You've never seen rough like it. Back to bed in the afternoon for a nap, then off to one of my favourite haunts for birthday celebrations. Good old Frankie and Bennies! Can't beat a good burger from FnB's. Must say happy birthday to Miss Vicki Rice who got a Victoria sponge cake because that's her name. In my book that makes her agonisingly close to receiving rice cakes too, but perhaps that's my warped humour.

I just need to quickly bring this to your attention. It's something I've become involved with recently and if you're around my local area it's worth looking at and showing your support to. Recently there's been too many incidents involving innocent young people being attacked by other youths for no reason. This has to stop. It has already resulted in more than one death and this is entirely unacceptable and inexcusable. Nobody has the right to take away anybody elses hopes, aspirations, abilities and dreams. Nobody has, in any circumstance, the right to take someone elses life and I for one will voice my opinions and show my support to make our local area a safer place. And if I ever get the platform I will do the same for the rest of the world. It is unfair and must be tackled respectfully but immediately. Thanks extended to Kirk for showing the initiative to take action.

http://www.makeblackburnsafer.co.uk/

Ok. Said my peace for now! I'm off to enjoy cleaning my bathroom! I'll be back to update you on how that task went very shortly. In the meantime here's a picture of me when I was fat with the Stereophonics, who were never fat!

BY THE WAY! If you can, please subscribe to the blogs. Loads of you have told me now that you're enjoying reading them and it would be great if I can reflect this in official figures! So sign up, it only takes a couple of seconds, and as far as I've been told, you don't get loads of annoying emails about it! Besides I'm only updating once a day on average! God loves ya! M xxx

friday 17th july 2009 - car blog

i'm updating in the car on my mobile. Isn't that exciting. My batteries going to go though! Update later. This really is a test. Goodbye. Xxx

Thursday 16th July 2009 - Silver Spine

I'm watching a programme about bondage. There's a woman dressed as a horse with her boobs out trotting around a field and eating polo's out of her master's hand. It's good. I'm enjoying it. There's a woman on now who wore a strap-on to a club and a woman came up to her and shoved her tongue in her mouth. What a moron. Why? WHY? Why can't people just have a sandwich and watch Taggart? What's up with the world?

Anyway, each to their own. I know a lot of you are starting to follow the blogs now, and that makes me delighted. I've been asked if I can give some mentions, so here we go. First of all, I came home tonight (after my driving lesson... I did good) to a candle lit three course dinner. It wasn't just romantic burglars. I live with t'other half and whatever it is I'd done to deserve it, I enjoyed it immensley and it made me feel very lucky. I'm not here to go into my personal love life, but needless to say I am a very lucky boy and am very much in LURVE! Sickening isn't it!

The other mention I've gotta give is to Simon. He's an old friend, in every sense of the term, who is even unluckier than me! I may have had some bad luck with the police and cars and shit, but Simon has had a new spine fitted, tumours removed, car crashes... the whole shabang! Check out the picture. He's, like, famous. Was in a glossy and everything. Anyway, he's a real good lad who just can't stay out of fucking hospital. He must really like the food or something, but whatever it is, rest assured that if we end up running round London next year for 26.2 miles, I'd be bloody honoured to have him by my side.

In other news, I've got a sneaky meeting on Tuesday afternoon and there's a possibility it may all lead to new day jobs! And that would only be a good thing. It's a shame no-one can find me a job in the stuff that I want to do, but who knows... one day someone might see the potential one day. I'd love to be a TV presenter. Or an actor. Or a musician, an artist, a radio presenter, a dancer, a singer, a writer, a novellist, a stand up comedian... oh bloody hell, I do not know! I want it all baby! I know I could do it, but you've gotta somehow convince every fucker else! I'm making a new video for my friends who are in a glorious boyband called Frixion. Johnny, David and Neil. They have marvellous voices that gel beautifully.

On that note, it makes me kind of mad when people don't really class those kind of groups as real artists. They're using their voices as instruments like others use guitars or pianos. It's not easy finding those harmonies and keeping your own line going and working so tightly together. Just because there ae no instruments in sight doesn't mean it's not credible. Sometimes, if it isn't to people's taste it's immediately discounted. People should learn to broaden their horizons and listen beyond the music to all recording artists. Except Katie Perry. She's just a twat.

http://www.frixionmusic.com/

And also check this out. Our breakfast show presenter has spent a lot of time working on the photoshopping of these images and it's a pretty funny cause. Get Beckham to Blackburn! He's looking for 1,000 members, so pass it on!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=109145191898&ref=ts

I'm going to finish the book tonight. It suddenly became very interesting last night. I suggest you find a copy and read the arse off it! You'll enjoy it. And if you don't, I don't care. I'm at a housewarming tomorrow and I'm staying overnight, so there's every chance I won't be able to update, but I'll be back before you know it. Saying that, I might get on before I go! Much wine to be had.

Peace and love y'all.

Coops. xxx

Quote of the Day;

"Come here you useless waste of human embryo's!"

-Me to my lesbian Midge. She likes being talked to like that.

Wednesday 15th July 2009 - Jackson's dead!?

Ok, so I haven't been living under a rock or nuffin! But it had occurred to me that the chaps dwelling in positive poverty in the Big Bother house (that's not a typo) didn't know about the death of an icon. So when they found out it brought back all those emotions and reactions that everyone else felt as one. But because we all felt them at the same time, it probably didn't hit home as much as watching a bunch of complete strangers finding out. He affected everyone in some way. Everyone knew who he was, and he was a great humanitarian on the face of things. I guess it's not for us to speculate about what he did and when he did it and who with, but he stood in court twice and was found not guilty twice. So I intend to just enjoy his wonderful music and performances and look forward to telling future generations about his magic on screen and on stage. And that's all I gotta say!

Today was a good day in a sense, because the boss is off now for over a week. I will miss him terribly. Or wonderfully. Yes, the second one! We get along alright, but then so did Eva Braun with Hitler and he still shot her in the head, so whatcha gonna do!?

I was searching through some old stuff the other day on an account I had on a site called My... something. Space? Does anyone still use that? Facebook kinda cacked all over it really didn't it! Anyway, I was writing some short stories and stuff. Here's one of the shortest ones! (That's a blessing, believe me).

Doctor... How is he?

Joseph: So doctor... How is he?

Doctor: Stable.

Joseph: Oh, thank goodness.

Doctor: What?

Joseph: I'm so happy.

Doctor: Why?

Joseph: Because he's stable.

Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry... did you say HOW is he? I thought you said WHERE is he.

Joseph: But you said he was stable.

Doctor: No... I meant he's in a stable.

Joseph: He's in a stable? Why?

Doctor: He's dead and the morgue is full.

Joseph: Oh dear God... This is awful.

Doctor: I know. But we're trying to get it sorted.

Joseph: Well, I don't think you'll be able to bring him back to life will you?

Doctor: Oh I'm sorry... I was talking about the morgue situation.

Joseph: You're the worst doctor ever.

Doctor: Yeah.


THE END.

Isn't that amazing?! No? Well f*** you then! I'm gonna send it to someone, somewhere. I'm sure Channel 5 will take it. They'll take any old tat!

I just want to clear something up... I don't watch big brother as a rule. It was just on! Grace was here and she demanded I watch it, and eventually I gave in. But know this, I'm very cross about it. Very cross indeed. As soon as it finishes I'm turning it off.

Quote of the day:

"Seeing is believing so you'd better change your specs"

- Shaggy, it wasn't me! Awful song. When he had a greatest hits CD out I assumed it would be a blank disc.

Tuesday 14th July 2009 - Something Bad Happened

So. A needle pulling thread! Another face grindingly poor day at the soul sapping factory. I had to phone someone today to ask if their address was right. Although I knew it was. And so did they. And so did the wanker who told me to ring them, so in my eyes it seemed like a completely pointless endeavour, but none-the-less I had to do it.

The football last night. I knew there was something I had to tell you! Well, previously (if you've read the match reviews) we had been squashed by the opposition by unimaginable margins. 14-0 was the teams worse scoring, but last night that all changed as they got away with being beaten 2-0. And in the grand scheme of things, that's pretty brilliant! You can read the full match review by yours truely, here:

http://thebee.co.uk/page.php?119

And the video is just below too. It's the first time they've played in the rain and it amused me somewhat.

A visit to the gym was in order after work, which is something I've neglected to do much of since we ran the Manchester 10k run in May. We did it for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust which is a great and worthy cause. They're so close to finding a cure for this wicked illness, so every last push is well worth it. Sometimes people think that once adequate treatment has been found for something we should steamroll onto the next thing when the first job isn't really finished. My idea, radical as it may seem, is finish the job you started, then move onto the next one. By this I mean, once we've raised enough to find a cure for CF, we can then start to help other charities in finding treatment and cures for those illnesses! I like to help people though. I think everyone should like to help people. It's good.

Anyway, the gym hurt me. 2 mile run, 200 situps (some inverted, apparently) some weights and a bathe in pure chlorine and that was me done. Off to Daddy's. He's excited because he got a new computer off a man with a stripy jumper and a mask for £110, but he doesn't know how to work it. So we went round and set it up, but quickly found out that we didn't know how to work it either.

We were trying to download the anti-virus software but there were so many viruses already in the way it became impossible! At one point, a warning message came up saying

"Something bad has happened!"

This amused me no end. It was like another one my friend at work got which said "PANIC!". Who writes this shit!? (I've just realised shit and this are an anagram of one-another... cool. Which to use in scrabble!?) I'd like that job. I'd write, "Don't look now, but there is a virus crawling up your wires. To rectify this problem, chew through the cable closest to your hard-drive immediately". People would. They're thick, people.

I'm making some great headway into the book. It's taught me some very interesting things, like the Monty Hall Problem;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Hall_problem

Which is why you should always switch. Or you end up with goats. It also taught me that if you give each letter of the alphabet a value, A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on, some very influencial names add up to prime numbers. Jesus Christ (151) and Scooby Doo (113) seemed to be the most important ones! It's all QI really. In a way.

Anyway, I'm off to bury my noggin again. It's getting late and I have to go and have the lust for life sucked out of me again tomorrow. I'll leave you with this;

The Queens House


Peace and love. Tell your friends about me!

Coops xxx

Monday 13th July 2009 - Where you keep your plug sockets dudes?

Back to work today. The day job. The one where I'd rather stick my face in the paper shredder than stay there doing bugger all, for bugger all, for no buggering thanks and no buggering sense of self esteem. I like it. The boss is on holiday for ten days from Thursday, which means we all get a ten week holiday from the Nazi regime and his poor pregnant wife has to deal with it all on her own in a Potugese villa. Rather her than me.


Anyway, once the bell went for home time I was collected by my driver (and, I'm very proud to say, lover) and I stopped by at the radio station to do a few work related things there. We have a new cleaning team at work. The main one, Mrs Doyle (ah go on father) is away on her holidays at the moment, probably apologising to people and making things smell of gummy bears. She's good at that. Actually, I don't think it is gummy bears. It's the cheaper, wobblier sweets that used to come in their own packages. Like these ones. Delicious spiders. Yummo.



Anyway, her replacement while she's away is a nice young ladywho has nearly got the hang of the hoover, so that's probably a good thing. Her opening question to us in the office was 'Where do you keep your plug sockets dudes?'



Dudes? Do people still use that as a term of endearment? It was, to say the least, odd. She didn't suit the phrase 'dudes'. She didn't really suit the gift of speech to be honest. In the words of Henry Higgins, she committed the cold blooded murder of the English tongue. Bitch.



Off to the football for us in the perfect conditions of rain, wind and anger. My anger. Nothing quite like watching your friends get battered in the rain is there. I'll be honest, I do take a slight amount of joy from watching them get ritually humiliated, but there's only so much one man can take, so my heart was full of hope for the boys tonight. I can't reveal the final score until tomorrow, and I'll upload the link to the match review then too. I get the honour of writing that as they assumed I wouldn't want to play... they assumed right!



So for now, to bed to read some more of my new book. I surprised myself by getting through a good quarter of it last night. I'll attempt the same tonight. I reccommend heartily.



Until then, I'll bid you adieu and see you tomorrow. Appreciate you reading by the way. Tell your friends and make it worthwhile for me to keep updating.



Peace n love.

M xxx

Scott Mills is a bastard

I'd applied to be in Scott Mills the musical by supplying this amazing video. Somehow they said no! How is this possible. They obviously don't know what they're missing!

Check it out.

Peace n love,
M xxx

Sunday 12th July 2009 - Naps and Potatoes

It seems like a perfectly good day to start an online diary. Why wouldn't you start a diary on July 12th? I used to keep a hand written diary, years ago, before I had 24 hour internet access. Remember the days when you had to go to the internet cafe to send an email to someone about something. I used to use one when I lived in Looe in Cornwall that was next to this amazing sandwich and pastry shop. God they did good duck and plum sauce baguettes. Anyway, I digress.
I used to keep a day to day diary and I kept it for over 3 years. I intend to blog retro diary entries so you can see what I was up to in c.2003. I bet you can't wait. I'll leave that carrot dangling while I tell you about my day today, as I intend to do throughout... well, time in general.
An early start for me today as it always is on a Sunday. I present a radio show every Sunday morning which is rather blasphemically titled Martin's Sunday Sermon. It is entirely nothing to do with anything ecclesiastical and is actually just me slagging off pointless people like Kerry Catatonia and Katie Priceless (I know that if you're reading this outside of the UK, this will mean bugger all to you... as will the phrase bugger all. But thanks for reading). I play lots of delightful music too. Except for the ones I'm forced to play like the new one from Take That (the musical equivalent of finding a cockroach in your trouser pocket) or Lady Gaga (what's she for... I don't think I get it!).
The show runs from 8-12noon and after using the words 'bisexual' and 'gimp' in the same link, I climbed into my car and set off home. Now, I must tell you about my car troubles. I only passed my test in March 2008 at the age of 26. I never bothered to learn to drive earlier because I never needed to know how to, I always lived were I worked and was drunk quite a lot. Anyway, passed 2nd time, all was good. I drove for a year without ever having any accidents or problems. After a year, it all went horribly wrong.
I moved house in September 2008 and did all the things you're meant to. TV Licence address, gas, water, phone, bank etc... At least I thought I'd done it all. Turns out I forgot to change my car insurance details. Never to worry though, I was paying by direct debit which automatically renews itself... surely? Well, no. It didn't, so I was cruising around in my saxo (Ben) when I was pulled by the police and done for driving without insurance, which cost me a £200 fine, £170 to get my car out of the pound, 6 points on my driving licence and because I'd been driving for less that 2 years, my licence was revoked. Basically, I was fucked. Then a couple of days later I got a speeding fine for doing 37mph in a 30mph zone. That cost either 3 more points and £60 or £80 and a speed awareness course.
I applied to do the course, but couldn't because I didn't have a driving licence. So instead I had to put 3 more points on the licence that I don't have. Then I had to reapply for my provisional licence (£50) and apply for both my theory and practical tests again. So that's just superb isn't it.
Because of all this, the place where I am at the moment is thus; I can drive as long as someone is with me who has been driving for 5 years or more and I have to wear my 'L' plates. Degrading? Yes. I have a driving lesson on Thursday. A LESSON! I've been driving now for 2 years. Lesson... phuh!
Anyway. It doesn't matter. I'm over it. It just cost me lots of money... come to think of it, I still owe my mother 4 hundred quid. Back to today though. I got home and instantly went to bed. It's very rare that I'll sleep during the day, but I felt knackered today so climbed into the pit and stayed there. For a few hours. When I arose it was time to make dinner. Salmon fillets (which insisted on setting off the smoke alarm repeatedly), roast potatoes and sweetcorn. Buttered. The whole thing, smothered in butter. There's something so satisfying about eating food smothered in butter and watching athletics or something equally as demanding. All the hairy, muscled, moustached athletes. And that's just the women. Then a bit of Top Gear with world's fastest man Usain Bolt. He's so cool. He had two portions of chicken nuggets on the day he broke the world record in the 100 metres. And his shoelace was undone! Brilliant.
Gonna have a read of my new book which Chelsea (one of the best buds) got me for my birthday. It's called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon. Looks rather interesting. In a way. I don't read a lot anymore, which is criminal I know. I've been wading through the QI book since Christmas. That's how much of a reader I am.
Football tomorrow. The Bee Team play the Grumpy Old Men FC who are currently second in the league. We may be blessed by the presence of Grace (the other Best bud) and her boyfriend Matthew. They hate footie almost as much as I do, but there's something so satisfying about watching friends and colleagues get their arses whoooped every week. Beautiful.
Quote of the Day:
John Inverdale: "You must have got so annoyed watching his rear end so often"
Tony Jarrett: "Well, to be honest, it was hard"
John Inverdale interviewing world 110m hurdles silver medal winner Tony Jarrett about constantly getting beaten by Colin Jackson.

Twitter

Not sure how the frigg it works yet, but if you want to be entertained lightly throughout the day at horribly irregular intervals which are becoming increasingly difficult to predict, why not follow me on Twitter. (You want a list of reasons!?!) Or altenatively, you could do what every other uk Twitterereer does and just follow Ste Fry and Pip Schofe!

I'M LONELY AND NEED THE ATTENTION - THEY DON'T!

Peace and love,
Coops

Twitter username: DrCoops

Recent writings

While I get used to this blogging jobby, here's something to entertain you;

I've been given the unenviable task of writing a weekly review column for our station 7-a-side football team The Bee Team. Basically, to cut a long story short, they're shit. But it's funny. Follow the link attached to read up on all their shortcomings. Even if you don't like footie (like me) it's worth a look just to mock their resounding hopelessness in the sports field. Or any other field for that matter!!! Cheers.

http://thebee.co.uk/page.php?119