Tuesday 28th July 2009 - The day Grace's wipers were on too fast

Well, what a day! Grace stayed over last night because she was taking me to Bolton this morning for my theory test, so we got up at 7 and got ourselves ready to go as my test was at 9 and I wanted to be there in good time. Well, we managed to lose the town centre of Bolton, and with only ten minutes left to spare I dashed out of the car at traffic lights and sprinted towards the area I thought the test centre would be. There was no way I was going to be late for this. I have had too much bad luck recently to be denied this chance, so I sprinted like no-one alive into the abyss. With literally seconds to spare I crashed into the test centre and slammed my documents on the counter, man bag in tow, panting like a shagging wolf.

Well, I did the test and got 49 out of 50 (I'm furious) and passed happily. To celebrate we decided to go for McDonalds breakfast which is better than I remember. Why is everything that is bad for you so delicious... McDonalds, biscuit and raisin Yorkies, Radon... everything. Over breakfast, we decided that the next most sensible thing to do was to go bowling, and so we did. I won at that, which I was rather proud of, mostly due to the fact that I've been walking round all day like I shat myself! A horrible trainer at the gym called Will decided he was going to give me a taste of hell by forcing me to do lots of silly circuit training type things. Dick. He really hurt me. So trying to bowl was but a challenge.

The next task was slightly less involving, as we decided to Bingo ourselves. I went back to my old workplace, Gala Bingo in Blackburn. It was like stepping into a time warp. Everything was pretty much the same as it was 9 years ago! And, much like then, I didn't win anything! Never mind. It was fun, in a 'wish I were dead' kind of way. I had to go to the gym afterwards, which did NOT tickle my fancies as I couldn't move by this point, but decided to give it a crack anyway. I thought a nice relaxing workout would do me good... until Will returned. He made me do all sorts of things I didn't want to, obviously getting some sort of kick out of watching me suffer. So now I can't move again. Bad times.

By the way, the title of the blog relates to us sat in traffic witha light drizzle falling. Grace had her wipers on, but at a ridiculous pace which we both failed to nitice for about ten minutes. Maybe I shouldn;t have passed my theory after all! Theoretically!

Peace out kids,
Mart. xxx

Wednesday 15th July 2009 - Jackson's dead!?

Ok, so I haven't been living under a rock or nuffin! But it had occurred to me that the chaps dwelling in positive poverty in the Big Bother house (that's not a typo) didn't know about the death of an icon. So when they found out it brought back all those emotions and reactions that everyone else felt as one. But because we all felt them at the same time, it probably didn't hit home as much as watching a bunch of complete strangers finding out. He affected everyone in some way. Everyone knew who he was, and he was a great humanitarian on the face of things. I guess it's not for us to speculate about what he did and when he did it and who with, but he stood in court twice and was found not guilty twice. So I intend to just enjoy his wonderful music and performances and look forward to telling future generations about his magic on screen and on stage. And that's all I gotta say!

Today was a good day in a sense, because the boss is off now for over a week. I will miss him terribly. Or wonderfully. Yes, the second one! We get along alright, but then so did Eva Braun with Hitler and he still shot her in the head, so whatcha gonna do!?

I was searching through some old stuff the other day on an account I had on a site called My... something. Space? Does anyone still use that? Facebook kinda cacked all over it really didn't it! Anyway, I was writing some short stories and stuff. Here's one of the shortest ones! (That's a blessing, believe me).

Doctor... How is he?

Joseph: So doctor... How is he?

Doctor: Stable.

Joseph: Oh, thank goodness.

Doctor: What?

Joseph: I'm so happy.

Doctor: Why?

Joseph: Because he's stable.

Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry... did you say HOW is he? I thought you said WHERE is he.

Joseph: But you said he was stable.

Doctor: No... I meant he's in a stable.

Joseph: He's in a stable? Why?

Doctor: He's dead and the morgue is full.

Joseph: Oh dear God... This is awful.

Doctor: I know. But we're trying to get it sorted.

Joseph: Well, I don't think you'll be able to bring him back to life will you?

Doctor: Oh I'm sorry... I was talking about the morgue situation.

Joseph: You're the worst doctor ever.

Doctor: Yeah.


THE END.

Isn't that amazing?! No? Well f*** you then! I'm gonna send it to someone, somewhere. I'm sure Channel 5 will take it. They'll take any old tat!

I just want to clear something up... I don't watch big brother as a rule. It was just on! Grace was here and she demanded I watch it, and eventually I gave in. But know this, I'm very cross about it. Very cross indeed. As soon as it finishes I'm turning it off.

Quote of the day:

"Seeing is believing so you'd better change your specs"

- Shaggy, it wasn't me! Awful song. When he had a greatest hits CD out I assumed it would be a blank disc.