Friday 31st July 2009 - Sneaky minx

So, I'm going to let you into a little tiny secret... I had a job interview today. My bosses at the Fireplace place don't know, so don't tell them. And in case you're wondering if I'm worried they'll read it on here, you're wrong. I don't think anyone will read it on here! Nobody reads anything anywhere, and even if they do they instantly forget it!

So, the interview went ok, I need to wait and see if I get a call back for it but I reckon I should. I didn't punch her in the face or shit in her coffee or anything so I should be ok! So, I thought I would celebrate by having a few glasses of wine. (I celebrate everything with a few glasses of wine!!! 'Oh look, I've got 38 pence in change... let's have a glass of wine!') but at the last moment I found out that I had to go to work. At the pub. Brilliant. Exactly how I want to spend my Friday nights, watching others get drunk! Anyway, I suppose it's all pocket money, so I went in. 8pm - 1am! Nice. I got home safely and celebrated with a few glasses of wine and the Swimming World Championships on the telly. Good oh!

Have you ever watched the quiz things on Channel 5 overnight? They have a word and you have to guess what comes after it or before it or whatever. Last night it was 'HOUSE'. And you could choose either a word that comes before it, like 'Public' or one that comes after it, like 'maid'. Why? Whats' the fucking point? You have some bronzed idiot stood there telling you they'll only charge you £50 per millisecond for your call and you could, I stress could, win a prize. But you probably won't. Because the ones they have there are completely nothing to do with anything you've ever heard of.

It's like on Catchphrase, when they ran out of Catchphrases and started having things like 'Going to the shops' or 'Fuck me til I fart'. Rubbish! So I suggested 'SHIThouse' and 'WHOREhouse', neither of which were there in the end, rather disappointingly! Never mind. Your suggestions are welcome as always!

Why not tell your friends about my blog. You don't have to know me to read up on me! It's actually more fun if you don't know me, as the people who know me will undoubtedly tell you! The idea is to subscribe to the blog, then more people will begin to subscribe too! Before you know it I'll be hugely famous and you can say, 'I knew him when he was a worthless pile of rotting dog shit'. And I won't mind at all!

Lot's of work to do this weekend. 4 jobs in 3 days. Radio tomorrow afternoon, then playing piano, then radio twice on Sunday. What a weekend!!

Until then, peace out sistas and bruvas.

M xxxx

Thursday 30th July 2009 - Casserole

I MADE A SAUSAGE CASSEROLE TODAY AND IT WAS FUCKING GREAT! BYE! XXX

Wednesday 29th July 2009 - Happy Birthday mother!

So, it was actually Mum's birthday today so we went over to say happy burfday and give her her gift. I got her the best of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. She's a bit of a rocker on the sly is old mother Cooper. She was definitely a Stones fan rather than a Beatles fan. (Which incidentally I'm not. I'm Beatles all the way). We had a few glasses of vino and smoked a few of the finest woodbines, then went north to bed.

I'm keeping it short and sweet today, but very quickly I want to tell you about what happened overnight last night. I have a bit of a habit of talking in my sleep but not in a grumbly moany type way. It's very clear what I'm talking about, even if it's non-sensical, and the other weird thing is I always know what I've been talking about the next morning. I get kind of embarrassed because what I've said doesn't make any sense, and so I try and switch it into something else slightly more relevant! Last night, the other half got up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. I have to sleep with something between my legs (easy tiger) and so I always have a pillow down there. I decided to fluff my pillow and pulled it from between my knees, but I totally misjudged the swing and smashed a glass of juice I had on the bedside table to smithereens. It shit me right up! SMAAAAAAAASH! It seemed to say.

A few hours later (after I'd cleaned it all up) I started to yap on. I was saying about a time I got my elbow caught in the car door and it smashed and glass went everywhere. I was instantly questioned as to what the fuck I was talking about, so I repeated myself. 'I'm just thinking about the time I got my elbow caught in the car door'! WTF!?

I started to change my story to it being about the glass smashing, but I knew I was talking shit. The next day I remembered it all very clearly. But I'm asleep when I'm doing it! It's very odd. So if ever you want a really good, deep conversation with a sleeping man, just pop over around 2am.

Until then,
peace to you.

M xxxx

Tuesday 28th July 2009 - The day Grace's wipers were on too fast

Well, what a day! Grace stayed over last night because she was taking me to Bolton this morning for my theory test, so we got up at 7 and got ourselves ready to go as my test was at 9 and I wanted to be there in good time. Well, we managed to lose the town centre of Bolton, and with only ten minutes left to spare I dashed out of the car at traffic lights and sprinted towards the area I thought the test centre would be. There was no way I was going to be late for this. I have had too much bad luck recently to be denied this chance, so I sprinted like no-one alive into the abyss. With literally seconds to spare I crashed into the test centre and slammed my documents on the counter, man bag in tow, panting like a shagging wolf.

Well, I did the test and got 49 out of 50 (I'm furious) and passed happily. To celebrate we decided to go for McDonalds breakfast which is better than I remember. Why is everything that is bad for you so delicious... McDonalds, biscuit and raisin Yorkies, Radon... everything. Over breakfast, we decided that the next most sensible thing to do was to go bowling, and so we did. I won at that, which I was rather proud of, mostly due to the fact that I've been walking round all day like I shat myself! A horrible trainer at the gym called Will decided he was going to give me a taste of hell by forcing me to do lots of silly circuit training type things. Dick. He really hurt me. So trying to bowl was but a challenge.

The next task was slightly less involving, as we decided to Bingo ourselves. I went back to my old workplace, Gala Bingo in Blackburn. It was like stepping into a time warp. Everything was pretty much the same as it was 9 years ago! And, much like then, I didn't win anything! Never mind. It was fun, in a 'wish I were dead' kind of way. I had to go to the gym afterwards, which did NOT tickle my fancies as I couldn't move by this point, but decided to give it a crack anyway. I thought a nice relaxing workout would do me good... until Will returned. He made me do all sorts of things I didn't want to, obviously getting some sort of kick out of watching me suffer. So now I can't move again. Bad times.

By the way, the title of the blog relates to us sat in traffic witha light drizzle falling. Grace had her wipers on, but at a ridiculous pace which we both failed to nitice for about ten minutes. Maybe I shouldn;t have passed my theory after all! Theoretically!

Peace out kids,
Mart. xxx

Monday 27th July 2009 - Forgot to revise!

I have my theory test tomorrow. Again. I enjoyed passing it so much the first time around, I've decided I'm going to do it again! What a cock! And by that a mean the cock right there

I completely forgot to revise properly for it, so it's safe to say that I'm actually crudding myself about it. I mean, can you actually imagine if I failed my theory driving test! I'd be the laughing stock of the whole universe! I'd actually have to kill myself. To amuse you (as it did me), here's two sample theory test questions and one I made up! See if you can guess which is the false one!

Question 1:
You are driving down a main road and a long vehicle is pulling out a side road on the left ahead of you. What should you do?

• A) Slow down and give way
• B) Speed up and try to squeeze through the gap
• C) Sound your horn and flash your hazards
• D) Report the driver to the police

Question 2:
You are driving at night when the lights from the vehicle behind begin to dazzle you. What should you do?

• A) Set your mirror to anti-dazzle
• B) Try and speed away
• C) Flash your lights repeatedly
• D) Put your hands over your eyes

Question 3:
You are naked at night with a blow up doll in the passanger seat. You are wearing a captains hat and you have a paddle. The police flash you to pull over. Do you;

• A) Speed away, showing your exit hole through your wing-mirror
• B) Sell the doll and all drugs in the car to the officer
  
• C) Tell him you're late for a potato
• D) Pull over and pretend to be taking the doll to the hospital

OK, it's fairly easy to work out which one isn't true, because I'm rather silly and I stole it from an Ellen DeGeneres DVD I have, but still... some of the questions are pretty fucking stupid. And that's why I cannot fail! And that's why I'm going to revise and I'm leaving you with a clip of the aforementioned Ellen! I recommend this to any stand-up fans. She's very good! Like a female lesbian Eddie Izzard! Work that out if you can. BYES!

M xxx

(btw - if you don't know who Ellen is, she did the voice of Dory in Nemo... as well as being a huge Hollywood name!)

Sunday 26th July 2009 - It happened in Burnley

I didn't even tell you why yesterdays blog was called Deckchair Disaster. Basically, when I was drunk at the party I was sat talking to my mum when the deckchair I was sat on suddenly ripped and I fell straight through it! Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat!



I've got a hangover now, and can't be arsed telling you about my day (I've not really done anything) so instead, here's the first part of my new novel I'm writing. It's really, really good!

So, PRESENTING;





It happened in Burnley




I was slowly making my way down the lane that leads to the crossroads when it happened. A sudden feeling of fear and dread ran up and down my spinal column. I just didn't expect to see him there. After all it had been three years since my ex boss Jonathan 'Page-a-Day' Epson was imprisonned for illegal smuggling of oysters from Madagascar. (Not the film you understand).
"Hello Polly", he said in a voice so low his underpants tightened. "Nice to see you", he murmered.
In a shakey breakey voice I replied, "to see you nice". He opened his lips and sharply inhaled, taking in a small piece of grit that was passing.
"It's been too long!", he said evily. I could see that in his right hand he had a key for what I assumed was a tractor. In the other hand he had the latest Take-a-Break issue. I was terrified by the prospect of what was going to happen next. To say this man was unstable was an understatement. To let him loose on a tractor was crazy. To let his loose on a crossword was just plain stupidity. The two together could result in many, many people either dying or falling over lots.
"I see you've got another job then?" he enquired, pointing to the medical syringe I had draped around my neck on a thong.
"I couldn't be a welder forever Jon." I replied, quivvering like a cold walrus. "I needed to get out and see the world... you understand that don't you?"
He placed his Take-a-Break gently down on the steps of the Bridget Bardot Appreciation Hall and put his dirty hand in his hairy pocket. I shook. Slowly he pulled out what appeared to be a letter from the Sea Lion War Recreation Society. He handed it to me.
"I want you to go here tonight", he suggested suggestively.
"I can't go there. You know I was barred from entering the house of recreational societies after the Boston Bankers fiasco. It's too risky".
He just looked straight through me at the shoes in the window behind me. I could see his eyes moistening at the sight of those clogs, as if to say, 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmoleskin.'
"You'll be there. You know you will. Because if you don't, everyone will find out your terrible, horrible, edible secret."
My lips trembled, as did my gobblers. I've managed to keep it secret for twenty years and I'll be damned if anyone was going to blow it for me now. You see, when I was younger I used to have an obsession with boats and ships. Anything floaty. Barges, yatchs, fjords, canoes, you name it, I loved it. One day, when I was about 13, I decided to climb on the local tramp and take a ride to the harbour. The tramp didn't mind. He was glad of the exercise and the bottle of cherry 20-20 he received made him equally elated. When I arrived I immediately ran up to the first floaty thing I saw. It was a houseboat.
I could see flashes of blue and orange lights coming from inside the window accompanied by a loud buzzing noise that went BUZZZZZZZZ. I knew a buzz when I heard it and that was definately a buzz. I shimmied down the pier a bit further and put my arms into the water to feel for the tie rope so that I could hoist myself aboard. I felt what I thought was a Lambseye Knot, so called because when the knot is completed it looks like the iris of a lamb. (You have to gaze ridiculously close). As it turned out, I was horribly mistaken. A lambseye knot it was not.
I yanked my long, spindley arm out of the water and found an extremely rare, endangered Anne Boleyn Octopus attached to my fingers. Panicking, i picked up a nearby whisk and whisked it right onto the deck where it promptly stopped living and died. I screamed with horror. The flashy window opened and a face appeared. It was, as I later discovered, Jonathan who was welding handles to tea cups.
"You've killed it", he shouted. He was crazy and just kept shouting "YOU'VE KILLED IT!".
I crumbled to the ground like a cheap sausage roll, crying. Killing an Anne Boleyn Octopus is punishable by up to 13 years imprisonment, or 50 years dry-stone walling in Bolton. I couldn't imagine losing my freedom at such an early age. The only witness was Jonathan. He came off his boat, waving his welder and telling me to stay exactly where I was.
"What's your name?" he spat.
"Polly... Polly Limply".
"Well Polly. You'd better come with me............

TO BE CONTINUED - IF I CAN BE BOTHERED!


Sleep tight! Coops. xxx

Saturday 25th July 2009 - Deckchair disaster

Good old Saturdays. Usually my only day off, but this week I was working the breakfast show, so on I went and broadcast I did, in a very unprofessional manner. Actually, it wasn't me at all, it ws Gina Millson, our head of news. She's very childish you know. She was laughing at a story about Deirdre from Corrie being trapped near a bushfire. Anyway, I had a marvellous bacon butty with tomato ketchup. So all was well! I like bacon butties. There's something so rich and deserving about them that fill you with a thousand different feelings. The smell, the texture, the taste... all of it. Knowing that somewhere an animal was born and raised, fed and kept for the sole purpose of sacrificing their life to give a few people that moment of pure decadence. The soft, salty meat encased in fresh white bread... Good God it's exciting me just writing about it. Clever piggies. I suppose swine flu is their revenge for bacon butties!

It was mother's birthday party today. She was stressing to the point that her partner Bob had put crocodile clips onto her earrings and he was running the ceiling fans off of her. My brother was already there, spinning some toooons on the decks, and Michelle (his partner) was chilling out in the garden. She's recently discovered she is pregnant and is thrilled to pieces about it. We all our. However, certain things come with pregnancy that aren't as welcome. For example, you're expected to give up drinking and smoking and drugs and a whole bunch of other things. Like being upwardly mobile for example. Some women crave pregnancy and Michelle was one of those. I just wonder when she'll have her first, somewhat inevitable, 'Get this thing out of me' moment. Good luck to them both though!

My father turned up to the party already pissed, which is typical for him really, and my grandparents were also sufficiently bollocksed too. Family parties are always a bit dodgy like that because alcahol removes any sense of inhabitions. I try and stay on the more responsible side of drunk because I know no-one else will and, should anything happen, the chances are you'll need someone who's thinking relativly clearly to act. Last night, however, I just got pissed! Ha! I drank the following;

• A bottle of vodka




• 4 pints of real ale




• 3 glasses of sangria




• half a bottle of white wine

And I smoked a lot too. Little wonder I was pissed really! Anyway, I had a good time. It's a shame I didn't get the chance to sample any of the food that was on offer as it all got troughed by everyone the minute the lid was off the pan, but still... I liked drinking in the knowledge that I didn't have any reason to get up the next day. Oh yeah, Mum read the bit about her being a milf and once it was explained to her what a milf is, she was horrified!

Peace and love,

Coops. xxx

Friday 24th July 2009 - 4 poofs and a piano

I'm Basically 2/5's of that group. I'm just one big poof and a piano! My other half hates them, which is kind of ironic. If you've never seen Friday Night with Jonathan Ross then you won't have a Motley Crew what I'm talking about. And likewise, if you've never dabbled with cockney rhyming slang, you won't know that by Motley Crew I actually mean Scooby Doo.

Some odd things have happened to me today, some of which have involved insects. The first is the very fact that I watched a common house fly (I know it was a house fly because it wasn't on a piece of fruit or a horse) washing itself. Who'd have thought it? It wasn't in a small shower (baby shower!?) or anything. It wasn't using soap or shower gel, just some sort of secretion from what looked like it's little fly anus, but still it was fascinating. It's back legs cleaned it's wings, then it's front legs washed it's face and it's middle legs washed both front and back legs. Brilliant. Makes me wish I had more legs than I have. And I have plenty of legs. At least two.

The other thing that happened, whilst I was still on my fly washing high, occurred as I was walking to my pick-up point after work. I was practically skipping down the road with my heart filled with weekend goodness when suddenly, as if God himself had sent it, an actual wasp made it's way into my actual eyeball. Not my lid, not my eye trough (trough!?) but my actual ball. And I know it was definitely a wasp because I was looking at it very closely. He (I was close enough to tell it was a he) looked me deep into my eye as I swung my fat head, almost in slow motion, to dislodge this 6-legged stinging bitch from my opticla tool. It felt like it went on forever, my sunglasses thrown from the top off my head where they were purched in a fashionable way and my man bag lashing around to the point where all the lids slipped off my 15-piece stationary set (birthday present from Grace... thanks) and I felt foolish. Like a foolish fool. The silver lining was that I wasn't stung. Because then I would have looked like a squid... not a good weekend look.

I have a story to tell. It involves my dog. My dog, I should explain, isn't strictly real. It's more of a soft, stuffed, inanimate dog that lives on my bed. I have many stuffed soft creatures which you may think is quite strage for a 27 year old man, but then I'm a slightly strange 27 year old man so that should pretty much cancel it out. To explain why I suppose, as an artist (!), I like character and shape, personality through feature and so on. People like cartoons and greetings cards with cartoons on them and so on. I like fluffy animals that are fun to look at. I have cows, cats, monkeys, crocodiles, a slug, a sloth, a sabre toothed tiger, a gollywog, some lions and a couple of hugs to name but a few. But the dog that lives on my bed gets special treatment because he was a Valentine's gift and he's mega cute. His name is AR!

AR has lived on my bed for about two and a half years and has slept and woken up on the bed for that length of time. He's always there when you need him! But a few days ago he'd disappeared. I obviously wondered where he'd gone but didn't stress too much. Then, a day or so later, he reappeared on my pillow. After further questioning from my partner, it turns out that he'd gone with the bed sheets, into the washing machine, then the dryer and back onto the bed, clean as a whistle, without being noticed! Clever dog! He looked very pleased with himself! And rightly so.

(That's AR on my knee!)

Well, I'd better go. Just gotta say happy 3rd birthday to Riley Roo, my little friend, and mention something amusing he said tonight when we went to give him his present (a hillarious cat glove puppet that meows when you open his mouth). As his mum Meg picked him up to try and get him to sing with her, he casually announed, "Erm, I can't see the cake!"

Fantastic.

Mother's party time tomorrow. All will be well no doubt. Got the Saturday morning breakfast show to get through first! Bit of theory driving test revision, then bed!

Peace and love for the weekend,

M xxx

Thursday 23rd July 2009 - Embarrassed? Not really!

Why oh why, if you have some hideous vaginal wasting disorder which you were too horrified to approach your G.P. with, would you ever decide to get it checked out for the first time ever on Channel 4? These people who have overactive arse glands or hairy eyeballs continue to go on Embarrasing Bodies so that everyone can have a detailed look at their drooping odds and sods... it's just terrible. I love it. The doctor who presents it, Dr. Christian, is an odd looking character isn't he?! My other half glanced at the telly when it was on (I think I shouted 'EEEEW, LOOK AT HER MUFF') and gently questioned, 'is he on this programme because he's embarrassed about his face?' Seemed like a fair question to me. Argue it... go on!

I just found out that there were seven sheep on Noah's ark. Stephen Fry said it, so it must be true, but it does sound a bit like bollocks at the same time! Why would they have seven? And why would I write the full word seven instead of the number 7? Seems like a great waste of time for us all doesn't it? But then to that end, surely this whole blog is!

Thanks to those of you (or 'both' of you) who have sent me details on how to make this blog a) better and b)more productive! I haven't completely disregarded your messages, but it takes me a while to understand things when I first read them. But I'll get round to looking at them properly and no doubt I'll put the information to great use. Speaking of not understanding things the first time you read them, I played the sausage and beans game today. It's fun. Basically, you find any passage of text and every word that begins with 's' you say as sausage (or if it's plural sausages) and the same with beans for 'b' words. So:

This groundbreaking series is back and aiming to dispel more of the myths
surrounding medical conditions deemed to be ‘embarrassing’, demonstrating
that
there’s no need to feel ashamed because actually, we’re all the same!

Becomes:

This groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel more of the myths
sausage medical condition deemed to beans 'embarrasing', demonstrating that
there's no need to feel ashamed beans actually, we're all the sausage!

So you see! Everytime you make a mistake, you have to down a pint of acid. Last one to die wins. The last bit isn't true, but the rest is. Go and play it. When you get more confident, you can start adding other breakfast items, until the sentence becomes thus:

Toast groundbreaking sausage is beans and aiming to dispel mushroom of toast
mushrooms sausage mushroom condition deemed toast beans 'eggs', demonstrating
toast toast no need toast fried-bread ashamed beans actually, we're all toast
sausage!

But that's just fucking stupid! Don't suggest that, you'll lose friends. Like I did. Here's a list of things I found out today;

1. Blowing raspberries does not help you cool down when hot



2. You can eat rosehip



3. Someone (remaining nameless) was late for work yesterday



4. I'm not as fit as I was in May



5. Pushing your buttocks against the wall of a sunbed does not stop you getting smiley lines under your bum.



6. Steven Gerrard di hit someone after all, but only once in self defence.

And that's it. I knew everything else! I get paid tomorrow, which I think we can all agree is basically a good thing. That means I can buy some nice things. Like beer and fags. Yummy! Have you ever played beer zoo? When the beer makes it's way down the side of the glass it leaves a trail and then you try and make animals out of froth that's left or the gaps in the froth. Bit like looking at the clouds and making shapes. In the example below, you might be able to spot Mickey Mouses head... just above to the right of the central stem!

So, the next time you'r in a pub having a pint, just have a sneaky peek into your glass. If you find any good beer zoo animals, take a picture of it and send it to me at

Martcoops@hotmail.com

I'll post it here and anyone who gets a really good one will win an amazing prize.

Before I go, I will ask one favour of you. Please would you post a link to my blog to your friends on facebook or MSN or whatever. The more readers we can get on the blog, the better it will be, because we can do competitions like this one! For fun! It doesn't take long to just message everyone, or put it on your status, or Tweet it! And I'll love you a little further! God bless you.

Peace and love everyone!

Martin xxx

Wednesday 22nd July 2009 - My family are all skint

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.